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The Senior Sell-Off

Hollywood is set to buy fifteen hundred elderly individuals from the U. S. Government to be used in several upcoming ‘realer’ movies due out next winter. Realers are artistic films involving real stunts by real people. These highly dangerous cinematic acts are performed by expendable elderly persons obtained either through voluntary means or government donations.

More often than not, their short performances result in a spectacularly orchestrated death. It is a brilliant way to entertain the masses and kill off the elderly. A percentage of movie earnings will be allocated toward building a gigantic golf course on the newly commissioned USS Obama.

This new cinematic spectacle creates an authentic experience for the audience and helps give the doomed elderly fifteen minutes of fame they may have never had otherwise because, let’s face it, it’s not the fear of the unknown that makes death so poignant, it’s never being known for anything that really sucks.

Rex Chet, celebrity director of Blood Spills on Saturday and Sometimes on Thursday, calls such films reality television on steroids, saying, “Audiences love these types of movies. They combine fantasy with the very organic experience of reality.” Sallie Cavens, a spokesman for the Permanent Obama Administration or POA (po’wah), reveals to us at State News TV one key advantage of the Senior Sell-off.

The modest reduction in the number of Social Security and Medicare recipients will shore up hundreds of millions of dollars annually for future funding on the development of a cyanide-laced, government-controlled, self-destructive dermal microchip to be implanted in the anorexically challenged.”

The chip, monitored by the FDA, is designed to self-destruct when anything resembling transfat enters the body causing the chip to release a special poison resulting in instant death to the individual. Roll-out is scheduled for early November just in time for the Holiday season. So far the chip has shown signs of complete failure causing deaths in those who consumed certain vegetables. However, there are no signs POA will delay the launch.

Called the Cacomorphobia’s Cocktail after Queen Michelle’s negative obsession with fat people, the poisoned chip will be available for mass distribution next fall. This, of course, could not have been possible without the federal government’s takeover of the health-care industry in 2010 and the Republicans’ failure to repeal and replace.

Washington and Hollywood expect to see several minor protests regarding the ‘Ancestor Purchase’; however, DC officials are confident they can silence dissent by accusing the protesters of being racist, right-fringe lunatics with terrorist ties to hostage takers who hate women, the poor, and Big Bird and want Hollywood actors and directors to starve.

Liberals and many Hollywood celebrities have praised the move by POA. Andrew Dern of Global Cooling, Global Warming, Global Climate Disruption, Global Temperature Fluctuations, and Global Weather Pattern Changes International has been busy crunching the numbers behind closed doors and now has scientific proof that old people’s farts contain unacceptable carbon and methane levels and contribute significantly to the planet’s many temperature instabilities.

This replaces the old outdated theory that the Sun, the big, yellow, round bright thing at the center of our solar system, contributed greatly to the various degrees of temperature and climate occurrences since the beginning of Earth some four billion years ago.

New Progressive history reveals Earth experienced her first blizzard, tornado, hurricane, flood, volcanic eruption, tsunami, earthquake, and drought shortly after the American Industrial Revolution.

The highly anticipated action realer, Kill Or Be Killed Twice will be released in both European and American markets due out two weeks before the celebration formerly known as Christmas. The film will be rereleased to Latino audiences and retitled Refried Beans, due out one week later.

The film expects to break prior realer records with the expectancy of more actual deaths than any previously released realer film of its kind. The elderly being considered for sale will be notified by their local Progressive representative.

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