The EPA Bans Meditation Practices

Meditation practices have been banned in California until further review by the EPA. The Environmental Protection Agency has issued an ordinance for all practicing Meditationers to cease their custom of deep abdominal breathing until further comprehensive testing can be conducted on the carbon producing habit.

In a statement released to TOM (the old media), EPA spokeswoman Babbs Hawkins reports, “breathing produces carbon dioxide which has been scientifically proven to create Global Cooling in the winter and Global Warming in the summer”.

The Environmental Protection Agency will be moving forward on its own creating regulations outside the approval and representation of the American people simply because they can. Also on the EPA’s list of offenders are bean eaters known as Vegans.

A large percentage of people who practice meditation tend to replace their consumption of protein enriched meat for the more vegetarian approved legumes. After digestion, beans can produce an unacceptable amount of gas which is released into the atmosphere unfiltered. The practice is also known to contribute to another environmental phenomenon recently investigated called Global Climate Disruption.

These harmful atmospheric gasses contain nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, hydrogen and methane. The result is a type of double jeopardy for Meditationers causing an unacceptable amount of pollution from both ends of the spectrum, so to speak.

People who practice meditation and consequently consume large amounts of beans will be notified within the next few decades when or if they will be able to resume their Earth killing practices. Until then, anyone caught ‘OM’ing will be fined $500 and placed on an EPA observation list to be monitored and sanctioned by Al Gore. If the practice continues individuals will be added to President Obama’s Drone Kill List.



Several Democrats in the House and Senate have proposed a solution for the Meditation Ban in California. An offer has been made in an effort to reduce the Carbon and Methane emissions and, at the same time, raise taxes to pay for more Government Agencies that will tell more people what to do, how to do it, and when.

The proposal includes having the Meditationer’s and Vegans purchase blocks of their personal offensive gasses in exchange for continuing to breathe deep into the belly and fart with conviction.


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